“Your first draft is from your heart” – “Finding Forrester”
The above quote is from the movie Finding Forrester. This quote fits the following blog. The blog writing that you are about to read is from my personal diary. Please be aware! This is not edited because it is straight from my heart. In other words, it will contain grammatical errors. Hopefully, you will get inspiration…….
August 5, 2008
At times, I sometimes wonder: why nobody could take my honest love and love me back?
As I leave for South Africa, I realize all the love worth anything is from my family. I love them and they love me. So everything that I held on to, I am letting it go. My promise to myself: I will speak and live everything I say. I will allow myself for love someday. I will dance my full heart out. Once and for all, I will appreciate myself.
Self love is very important. I am still trying to find my self love. While I am finding that, I do have dreams for myself which are I will dance, choreography, and market the dance business.
Learning the dance business, it is my first priority. My dad has told me: “I could do anything in this world.” The only person that could stop me is I. Honestly, I just want to get away.
If he wants to find me, he will. My dad was right about him, he needs to know my worth. Ok! On to other things, I will leave that drama in the USA.
Currently, I am on my first flight on my journey to South Africa. First, the guy I was sitting next to in the airport is sitting next to me in the plane. On a weird factor, this guy is carryin my exact iPOD. The same exact one.
Do I talk to him? No. You know, I have been to many trips overseas but this trip is different. I really do not know when I am coming back.
Will I miss the family? Of course.
Will I miss some friends? Yes
Will I strive to be the best I can be? Yes
By the way, I do realize that seems like I am going to the military.
If I keep on this path, I will receive a great life. To stay focus, I must remember to save money. Also, I must remember to dance like no tomorrow. Oops! I forgot to email my artistic director. Well…I guess I will be seeing him for at least a year so it will be ok.
You know, I have learned not to act like a child. I am an adult and I must be conscious how to act. Do you want to know the gossip on the flight?
The flight attendant is very boring. She looks like she has not slept for a month. I can tell by her body language that she eats when she is stress. When she talks, she hides her body. As she walks down the ale, she looks straight to the floor. This is a good sign of insecurity.
Why do I go into detail about her? I am a people watcher. I look at people’s body language or you can just think that I know how the flight attendant feels. Every woman feels just like her, just some hide it better than others. By the way, my habit of people watching is not a bad habit. I get my best choreography from it.
You know, my regrets of this trip are I am missing the Coldplay concert and I am missing the final episodes of SYTYCD. “So you think you can dance” is my favorite show because I want to be on it. I vote religiously and it has come to the point when I called my friends to vote for Katee and Joshua.
At that moment, I can not decide who I love more but I know why I love them. Katee has a heart and she is a consistent worker. At the beginning of the season, the show thought she was a little conceited but they were wrong. What Katee meant was she had just picked herself up from not making it last season that she did not think she could go through that again. How do I know this? they showed a clip of her crying backstage. On an honest note…..Katee did sound a little conceited when she was talking to the judges. But…..I do not blame her because it is just hard. Now…she is a success story.
Joshua is fierce and he does not have the typical dancer body. Whatever that is suppose to be and that’s why I love him because I do not have that typical dancer body either. I am very muscular, big boobs, and big butt.
Joshua looks like a football player with a huge ass, his sexy, and he looks like he could kick your behind. Then, he talks and you find out his sweetheart side.
I look like a short Vikki model but I have a voice of a 5 year old sweetheart. My personality brings my visual sex kitten body impression to your best friend. Do you see the resemblance of Joshua and me?
TIME OUT! This guy I am sitting by really is biting his finger nails a lot. This habit reminds me of my brother. Ok! The flight is stopping in Washington, DC-Dullas. Got to go!
August 6, 2008 –Wednesday
Frankfort Germany
This morning, I am awakened by the flight attendant for breakfast so I am assuming this is the next day. Last night at 9:45pm, I got onto the flight for Germany. Immediately landing in Washington, D.C, I had to find my way in a new airport and board for Germany. The airplane was much nicer because it was an international plane. Also, the flight attendant job for international planes seemed to have much more glamour to it.
All the attendants could speak a different language rather than English. The crew had a confident attitude about themselves. It was pleasant.
Anyways…..the guy next to me was on my same flight of Washington, DC. Just by coincidence, he sat right by me and helped me with my 70lb carry-on bag. So, I spoke to him and I found out his from Savannah, GA. This city is only an hour away from where I live. He was going to Iraq because he worked for the government. As we were talking, my sitting partner had come to sit by me. Her name was Dr. (name that I still can not pronounce).
Anyways…she was transporting stem cells for a patient with Leukemia. So, the whole plane ride, she had to ask for ice. Fascinating, I know but she was a little creepy. So…I was glad my homeboy from Savannah had many seats available beside him.
Quickly, I moved over and had room to stretch out. I ended up watching a good movie which I do not even know the name and had a respectful sleep. In other words, my sleep was just OK. As I look at the map on the screen, we are closely approaching Germany and I still do not know if I want to leave the airport. However, I have to be there all day but I am scared of the checking back in. Well…I will decide later. I do want to take a shower.
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I AM HERE. I am at the Frankfort Germany Airport. The first place I checked out was the information desk (not helpful). As I looked around, I noticed all these nice lounges and I could not get into the lounges.
Yea! I am not apart of the Star Alliance. The difference between an American Airport and this one was you have to go through baggage claim to get into your individual gate. So….if you are like me arriving at 12:00pm and leaving till 8:00pm. YOU ARE screwed. Also, your stuck in the shopping center with a bunch of sweaty people.
Unless, you spend 7.40 euros on fries and water. Why? So….I you could sit in the restaurant area. Yea! I did it but trust I was sitting comfortable. Well… I needed to catch up on my writing, sleep, and reading. I know your thinking: Why I did not see the city? Well…I was thinking how much it will suck if I could not get in the airport? It will suck. What also provoked me was the line for the passport check made it not worth it. One person may try to be just a JERK when I try to get back in. So …I sit looking at all the different people and notice the wide range of White people.
Literally, I could count the blacks on my one hand. I am number 5. Sorry! I could not help but notice it. You know everyone notices these things even if they want to admit or not. Well….how interesting. So…I slept all day and it was peaceful. The restaurant was lit dark so every time I got up to read my Bible. I fell right asleep. Oops
So…at 5:00pm, I went to look around the location. This was a good time to be a loner because you do not want to talk to anybody. After I freshen up in the bathroom, I went to the book store with no intention of buying anything. As I was looking, I saw the different publications of American magazines international style and vis versa. It seems that the rest of the world has a connection and the US seems to be a little bit of an outsider.
WE are outsiders that some admire. As I travel to many places, I do feel this disconnection from the rest of the world. It is like being the popular kid but nobody really likes you. This is just a personal feeling maybe I just need to learn another language maybe that is it. Most people overseas could speak at least 3 languages and that automatically connects them to 3 different cultures.
FOR EXAMPLE, one may speak English, German, and French. That will connect you to all three cultures. For example, I speak English and South Africans do speak English but it will be nice for me not to rely on people just speaking my language. I just hope they do not think my intentions of being superior and expect them to speak English in their own country.
When I get to South Africa, the first thing I am doing is getting a fashion magazine so I could transform myself into their culture. I learned that in the book store. What I saw in those magazines was exactly how people were dressing in the airport. The people in the airport are beautiful. They all look like they came straight from a fashion magazine but of course some people fell through the cracks.
You know writing in this diary is so therapy. I love the feeling; I am getting. It is like having a best friend. You know its time to live up my life style. Actually, I am frankly tried of talking what I am going to do. I am just going to do it.
I am actually here sitting in the South African Airways terminal. I have one more connecting flight and I am way over excited. Meaning, I have been waiting for months for this moment. In just a few hours, I will be right there working for my dream company. “Never LOOK back” somebody told me.
Sadly, I am going to have to take that advice. It is time to grow up ELSIE. You must pay attention. You must know everything around you. On this plane ride, open your eyes and pay attention to conversation. I started out on a bus coming to the terminals of Frankfort Germany.
On a side note, I notice nobody has iPods. If I was in the US, I use to be the only one without a iPod. People are actually having conversation with each other. This trip really has felt like one BIG long day. The time change is awful.
OK! It is time to breath. After waiting all day, Could you imagine I almost missed my flight? Anyways……I realized it and now I am all set to go to South Africa.
Even if I do not know it or not, I need to act as if I AM AN South African because I just HATE feeling lost. The woman sitting next to me does not like me. So…this will be a quiet flight. By the way, this airport was so much different than I am use to. I am really ready to go to South Africa. Oh Lord! What did I get myself into?
AUGUST 7, 2008
“If you envision your destiny, you must have the strength to achieve it. I envision me opening my own MUFUKAWORKS business for a profit company. In South Africa, my intentions are to dance for Ntsoana Contemporary Dance Company and learn how a company works. Also, I want to be in touch with my church.
I will remember who I am and I will know that I could be so much more. I only have one life to live and I am living it. It is time for me to inspire myself.
Oh! My dear love, I am not mad at you because one day you will find me. I only wished for us to have a good life. You know! It is OK to be on my own. ONE NOTE: LAY OFF THE BREAD ELSIE. PLEASE WATCH YOUR WEIGHT.
AUGUST 8, 2008
When I arrived to South Africa, my ride was not here yet. So of course, I was freaking out. I called my dad (collect) and he called my ride. About 2 hours, my ride was there since it was a big airport. She got lost. Actually, I looked relaxed she said. Well…I was trying to blend. Anyways…. we left the airport riding in the car were the driver seat was on the left.
Soon, we arrived at the dance studio were I will be working at and I loved it. Sello Pesa and the dancers were pleasant. Then, I left because of my bad jet leg. Then, I approached this beautiful house on where I was going to be staying. It had tennis courts, weight room, a pool, and modern furniture. On top of that, they are renovating a guest house. I wanted to run around the whole house and take a look. But….I was introduced to my bedroom which was fabulous. This is definitely the life. However….when I called my mom I cried.
I cried because of mixed feelings of happy that I was here and also nervous about dance tomorrow.
Fortunately….Dance was lovely. I swear that dance is the universal language. No matter if we do all speak different languages. We have one thing in common DANCE. Oh! It also helps that everyone speaks the English language but they speak the native tongue in the studio. Yea! It is really fun trying to guess what is being said.
All in all…..I caught on to the choreography and I was put in the show.
Well…tomorrow is a NEW DAY. You need a phone. Ok! it is late and I really can not SLEEP. On top of that, I am watching whose wedding is it anyway?
I must admit that I am getting teary eye thinking of some of the people at home. Practically, I am thinking of one person and wondering why this person hurt my feelings. I thought that this person cared for me.
At the same time, I can not keep thinking of what use to be and I must concentrate on making my dreams come true. You know one thing, I learned about myself. I have become a little comfortable in my own skin. I am seeing my future come into place and I must remember to be patient. Tomorrow! I move into my permanent place and I just can not wait. Then, I will feel at home. Note: I need a better pen.
AUGUST 9, 2008
Once you been independent, it Is hard to go back to being dependent. I must humble myself because the person I am living with already thinks: I am BRAT. She got this impression from one of my very own close relatives. Well….at least I thought we were close.
So, my job as a guest is to not show anything is affecting me and to act as everything is OK. I strive to have a better life and I will. One thing that I want is a phone and internet. I really just can not wait to get into my permanent space. Its time to create what is in my mind. “Be a complete being”
I need to find a gym and also not be scared of my surrounds but be conscious of my surrounds. SABC news. com . You know everything is OK. Don’t worry! I must remember to tell myself that everyday. In all truth, I feel a bit lonely.
AUGUST 10, 2008
At the moment, I am in a world were only money matters. My house host thought I was a complete spoiled Brat. Well…at least the host is allowing me to stay here. Some of the kids around the area of the town like in the mall, streets, and everywhere are just spoiled brats and I really can not stand it. These kids expect adults to listen to them instead of vice versa. It is like Beverly Hills or at least what I heard the Hills are like. Let me take a time out: LORD! THANK YOU FOR MY BLEESINGS BUT IT REALLY Is TIME FOR ME TO LOOK FOR MY OWN PLACE.
AUGUST 12, 2008
It comes to a point in your life when it is time to grow up. I am 22 years old and I am ready to start my career. You know, I dream of the day when I can pay my parents back for everything. I realize money will gain respect. HA! Who am I joking? Only, your character can gain respect.
AUGUST 13, 2008
So, I really need to live the life. I know the life that I do not want. I need to stop wasting days here. My life is important to me and I still really do not have a clear pathway of what I want to do. My life in South Africa is not what I expected. So, I need to make things happen. The living arrangements are not working for me. I really do not have any peace. My privacy is always being invaded. You think me growing up with like 10 of my cousins in the same house will get me away of me needing privacy. Surprise, I did have my privacy even with all my cousins, mom, dad, and little brother. But here, not quite true.
AUGUST 13, 2008
MY BIBLE READING
Sabbath
7th day for rest
He has provided us with instructions of living and as his children. We should follow his word.
AUGUST 16, 2008
I am living in a world that I have no idea about. I must start taking immediate action on my dreams coming true. Right now, I am going through a hard time. Last night, I found out my cousin’s mother passed and its killing me that I am not there for him. Today, I must take action.
1. budget money
2. take care of my body (I am looking fat)
3. Get out of this place
I absolutely can not stand being in these living arrangements. The people I am staying with do have a kind heart but it is just not me. They have no idea who I am so they have no need to care for my feelings. My host seems to just bring down everything I stand for. There is a lot of people supporting me on this crazy journey of mine and its time for me to take control of it. Today, I am getting internet connection, talking to some family members here. I just need to move forward. Unfortunately, I need to get out. You chose your surroundings and I chose mine. It is hard here. It is just hard times for my testimony. Tonight, I will go out and try to focus on why I had come to South Africa.
It is a dream that is happening. For my short term dream, I must learn everything that South Africa has to offer. Just take it one day at a time.
permit
internet
transportation (public)
keep things private
Ok! I am taking more me time. I am going to finally shave my legs. I am going to find a newspaper. I must ask the helper some questions. Yes! I have a helper in the house. I know she will know where the newspaper is. Ha! I know its like starting life all over again. BACK TO BEING A FRESHMAN.
AUGUST 20, 2008
The only person that will get me through is my GOD and my savior Jesus Christ. I am here for a reason. I must keep fighting. Today, I had a day of eating and still was not quite satisfy with my food. Tomorrow, I will get my facial and eyebrows done. I will wait till Monday to go to the American Embassy
SEPTEMBER 14, 2008
WOW! I have faced a lot of stuff in this life and I do realize that I am living well. Well..I have come through a lot these months and one thing that I am facing is my religion, my love, and my biggest conflict. What do I want to do? Well…I am an artist and its all I wanted. My body image of myself has held me back. So…I am so happy that I just went out and sought out my dream. Who has inspired me? Rene Zillenger. She is an artist. She holding a college degree. But….
She went out there and fulfilled her dream. She claimed it. As for me, I am claiming and putting God in my life.
I believe in God but I am working on getting closer to him. Honestly, the church and the Bible studies that I am going to are overwhelming me because I am starting to feel judgmental vibes. However….I do want to keep learning the Bible and I am doing it. It took me a long time to get this close to God. There was a time when I did not even think about the things I think about now.
My goals for today.
Remembering my passion
It is my passion to be a performer and I am going to do it while I am here. Auditions, classes, working out. Let me just see what happens.
SEPTEMBER 15, 2008
I never was clear to you but I moved out of my pervious living arrangements. You will not believe this but my host read my diary. It was meant to be. It is not my place to dwell on it. I am really tried but I must mention the moon is orange today.
SEPTEMBER 18, 2008
Being I South Africa, it is my way of getting away and really thinking of everything. I have a strong vision however I have no idea how I am going do it. So, I am really figuring out my purpose in life and just having fun.
SEPTEMBER 21, 2008
As I sit here on a Sunday morning, I watch CNN Revealed on Joe Biden. So, where am I sitting? My new place. I have a beautiful view of the city of Johannesburg. This place is close to where I dance so no more mini taxis. Also, I am joining this second dance studio of choreographers from “So you think you can dance-South Africa” This show recognizes dancers on a national level by TV. Secretly, it is everything I want to be apart of. So, do I want to stay in South Africa for the rest of my life? May not, it is sometimes lonely for me. I am away from my family and friends but it is time to figure myself out. But, I do dance, I am working out, and I believe into going into arts administration.
To tell the truth, I want to be stable but I want to live the glam life. Just like the stars. I would not mind traveling but I want to do with my love. Truly, my love is the only one I want to be with. I fell in love with him and I guess just stayed like that. I miss him and I do wonder about him. I know he thinks of me and we will be together one day. You know, one thing about me once I say something. I do it. At my time here in South Africa, I am lonely but you know. I am going to use this time to read and write more.
In my life, it has come to the point for growing up.
OK! It is time to breath. After waiting all day, Could you imagine I almost missed my flight? Anyways……I realized it and now I am all set to go to South Africa.
Even if I do not know it or not, I need to act as if I AM AN South Africa because I just HATE feeling lost. The woman sitting next to me does not like me. So…this will be a quiet flight. By the way, this airport was so much different than I am use to. I am really ready to go to South Africa. Oh Lord! What did I get myself into?
