THIS SELF DISCOVERY IS HARD

JANUARY 10, 2009

This week at the BUSH….I was full of emotions because I was thinking about home a lot. I miss home but I do not have a need of going back. I am at peace in SOUTH AFRICA. It has given me time to clear my head. South African people are relaxed human beings. They have the most holidays, the whole world stops for them on holidays. Nobody does work or anything. Every day of the holiday has a vibe of Sunday. Even not on holidays, they also have a braai ever weekend. At the same time, they have this South African sense of humor. They are really sarcastic. I had come to South Africa for a mere sense of experience so I could have a sense of self. At the same time, I wanted to challenge myself and I wanted to see my ability of making it into an international dance company. To prove to myself, I am good enough to be a dancer. So I did. I made the dance company and I did my other love of marketing/advertising for the company to. I did travel around the world. I accomplished everything my solitarian said I would. Yea! In high school, the solitarian said the dreams of my 2004 class’s aspirations. For me, she said I will become a dancer like I always talked about. Well my solitarian and old friend, I did become a dancer. My dancing has taking to places in life that I only dreamt about. Now, I have aspirations for something more. You see I had to make a dance company because I had to prove to myself of doing it. I had to prove to people who told me “NO.” Now I am here and I still do not believe in me as being a good dancer. I believe me in being a good performer because I have put ever bit of energy into my dancing. Even if I have put all my energy, I will probably not ever be the image dancer that I see for me to be in body sense. So I have found in South Africa the inner worth of my capabilities. I am a dreamer. I have the ability of making dreams happen and not just myself but others. I inspire. Inspiration has happened to be my purpose in life. How will I take this gift into something bigger? I will inspire other people by putting dance work on them and I will inspire the audience by them watching my work. At the same time, I will use my marketing/advertising skills for the whole world to see. “SOME PEOPLE ARE BRILLANT DANCERS BUT THEY DO NOT KNOW HOW TO PUT TWO STEPS TOGETHER,”-LOCIA I accept the fact of me being a better choreographer. I use to be told of me being too much of an emotional dancer. However, my emotions that I put in my dancing are what has got me this far. If they could feel the soul of dancers, I believe more people will connect to dance. So I thank South Africa for giving me the space to think about all of this. Right Now! I am working at the Bush (the pub I work for) and taking dance classes which I started today. We had a holiday for a month and two weeks from Ntsoana. The dance classes I am taking are at Corenergy (the dance church). I start Ntsoana on January 20, 2009. However the Bush and Corenergy had really forced me to connect to my inner self. Corenergy has helped me spiritual connect myself with my body. The Bush has connected me to so many different people. Just listening to people’s stories, they inspired me to so much choreography. It has become like using my presence to tell their story one day. At the Bush, I have meant Africans (mostly dutch language white people), English white South Africans, Zulu, and Suto. I listened to all of them and I watched their body language. In the Bush, these people are one people. You will never know about Apartheid in South Africa many years ago when the blacks did not communicate with the whites well. Ok! I put that in the nicest way possible. They have come a long way from 15 years ago. I often get asked: “IS THERE RACISM IN AMERICA.” I always replied, “HELL YES” Then I always replied there has happened to be racism every where. Now it just happened to be hidden. I have called it silent racism. When your racist and you may not ever know it, I have seen it in people’s eyes. Especially when some first have meant me, I remembered it when interviewing for an internship and I had seen it. What did I see? I had seen their judgment about me that I was not what their looking for. I just knew it was the perception of the color of my skin. I AM BLACK. I JUST KNEW IT OK! It was not until they saw my education and experience qualifications that they begun opening their eyes and ears. They had seen me as a presentable young lady and they asked about my accent. I had told them my parents are Zimbabwean but I was born and raised in America. Suddenly I had become different than other black people. I AM BLACK. I use to say this same thing to my friends at my mostly white private school. I usually will say “I AM BLACK” to my white friends when they slipped the N bomb. They told me that I am different than the other black people. Whatever that was suppose to mean to them. I just knew it meant that I was probably the only black person that they had a chance to connect with. Now I had meant a South African guy who said: “South Africa just put their racism in the books but racism is everywhere.”I have white friends who have told me I am different than Black people. I AM BLACK. Also I have black friends who say I am different than Black people. I have meant people who have many black friends but they still make racist comments now and then. I have seen people’s faces of fear as I approach them, may be from some bad experience they had so they blame the whole race. I have seen white women with black husbands but still get scared of a black man. It could be because they are not their black man. Now I have seen all these things in America and I have seen them in South Africa. I know the same thing goes for all differing races even the other way around with blacks being racist against whites. As for me, I have all different friends and I would not notice their color if the world had not force it on me. I am forced in South Africa and even other places like America or Europe. I choose now not to let it bother my connection to all my people (black, white, Spanish, Chinese, and etc…...) I have a lot of mixed friends. Just those friends in my life, is my hope for unity...well...i know unity is here but some people just need to catch up. Now, it is February 11, 2009. My plan is altered. I am no longer working with Ntsoana Contemporary Dance Theatre. I only dance with Corenery. I do not work at the Bush anymore but I might be soon again because my customers are asking about me. I have a new job as an event planner with Keyes Lounge. I plan parities. I realize that this is my only chance to be a gipsy so I am taking it. I finally asked myself this question: “AM I BEING LOVED THE WAY I GIVE LOVE?” My answer was “NO” For the first time in my life, I believe I moved on and I allowed my heart to open again. In a second, the universe brought something in my life that I never that I could find in someone else. I AM AT PEACE. article featured on www.lettersfromsouthafrica.blogspot.com